Monday, September 15, 2014
The Urge
The urge is high. But thigs in life will not control me, I control me. Sometimes I feel weak and the part of me that has softened my light screams... I hold my head up and I will swing from the chandelier like tomorrow doesn't exist... I want to... I will. I tell myself this... I will will myself to win this battle of addiction... Addiction says it's right. Addiction says I'll be better with it. Addiction says I'll be calm and clear with it. Im facing a storm baby. And the addiction of escape through sleep screams that it is the only thing that will stop it. But I don't want to sleep my hours away, eyes closed or red eyes squinting open... I want to see like I believe the people I see running see... Crisply, with true clarity and a sober high
Friday, July 4, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Persistance
Persistence. My counselor told me to eat healthy take fish oil regularly excersize practice Remenating coping mechanisms and socialize. I've eaten a lot of chocolate and excersize so just some. I can feel the strength on both sides of the pull coming and going gaining steady braces and losing them. Attitude is an interesting thing. As is persistence. They are choices but thought to be freely given.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Paxil
I was able to get in to to see my phsycologist last Friday morning. Having been brought to a low I hadn't experienced since the beginning of my initial prescribing of Lametrogine about a year and a half ago, she prescribed 35mg of Paxil daily.
My girlfriend took me aside the next day and explained that she no longer saw light in my skin and hadn't for quite some time. I admitted to her suicidal thoughts for the week and a half prior on top of the intense irrational and impulsive behaviour she had noticed prior to our conversation; she did not know who I had become. I wasn't myself.
This is a question to myself... Who am I? She took me aside a couple days ago and, exhaustingly frustrated, explained that all she wanted was for me to "want for myself". I didn't understand until the next morning. My entire life I had been seeking my identity in others only looking out my own window wondering if one day I would fly like a bird into the sky subconsciously asking, "Did that sky, did that bird exist? Was I a red bird, a black bird, a sparrow, an eagle, a vulcher, an owl, a parkete, a tucan, a robin?"
It has taken me quite some time to understand that I am my own unique bird, as is everyone, and I have wings meant to soar. I will. I have interests and, as I, in desperation, explained to my counselor last Tuesday, I want to kick the darkness that has blanketed my light and eyes in the ass; fully taking advantage of my gift: life.
My life is not an endlessness of pointless, nor is the constant avalanche of of anxious rumination and worry a place I must sit analyzing in anticipation of the next blow. I have not loved myself but despised my very life and heart, a deadly cancer feeling for only fleeting moments its escape.
My counselor lead a research project with his peers during his undergraduate years on natural cures for depression, acquiring a significant amount of positive results amongst the folks who participated in the study. The regiment consists of the following with the observation that depression and suicide rates have steadily increased over the last 100 years as people in our society have increasingly spent more and more time indoors, worked more hours in effort to survive financially and therefore gotten irregular and less sleep, less social interaction allowing more time alone to ruminate, and less time and energy for necessary physical activity.
Regiment:
fish oil, regulated sufficient amount of sleep, sunlight, excersize, social interaction, and the practice of coping mechanisms to decrease ruminating.
I found a mediation app that focuses on identifying self-sabotage. Through the first course I found within myself truths I previously concluded during childhood thinking I am unworthy, weak, unpretty, frail, unable. I have lied to myself by not admitting these conclusions and now verbally, outloud, looking into the windows of my soul in mirrors state, "I am worthy. I am a beautiful, strong woman filled with light. I am capable of moving forward towards happiness. Life is a gift and each moment precious with the opportunity to seek out my dreams and deep desires. I am able to complete and fulfill the responsibility I have to myself and others through selflessness, lightheartedness, humor, acknowledgment, and planning. I am Shawna Marie Brummett and I will grow more today."
My girlfriend took me aside the next day and explained that she no longer saw light in my skin and hadn't for quite some time. I admitted to her suicidal thoughts for the week and a half prior on top of the intense irrational and impulsive behaviour she had noticed prior to our conversation; she did not know who I had become. I wasn't myself.
This is a question to myself... Who am I? She took me aside a couple days ago and, exhaustingly frustrated, explained that all she wanted was for me to "want for myself". I didn't understand until the next morning. My entire life I had been seeking my identity in others only looking out my own window wondering if one day I would fly like a bird into the sky subconsciously asking, "Did that sky, did that bird exist? Was I a red bird, a black bird, a sparrow, an eagle, a vulcher, an owl, a parkete, a tucan, a robin?"
It has taken me quite some time to understand that I am my own unique bird, as is everyone, and I have wings meant to soar. I will. I have interests and, as I, in desperation, explained to my counselor last Tuesday, I want to kick the darkness that has blanketed my light and eyes in the ass; fully taking advantage of my gift: life.
My life is not an endlessness of pointless, nor is the constant avalanche of of anxious rumination and worry a place I must sit analyzing in anticipation of the next blow. I have not loved myself but despised my very life and heart, a deadly cancer feeling for only fleeting moments its escape.
My counselor lead a research project with his peers during his undergraduate years on natural cures for depression, acquiring a significant amount of positive results amongst the folks who participated in the study. The regiment consists of the following with the observation that depression and suicide rates have steadily increased over the last 100 years as people in our society have increasingly spent more and more time indoors, worked more hours in effort to survive financially and therefore gotten irregular and less sleep, less social interaction allowing more time alone to ruminate, and less time and energy for necessary physical activity.
Regiment:
fish oil, regulated sufficient amount of sleep, sunlight, excersize, social interaction, and the practice of coping mechanisms to decrease ruminating.
I found a mediation app that focuses on identifying self-sabotage. Through the first course I found within myself truths I previously concluded during childhood thinking I am unworthy, weak, unpretty, frail, unable. I have lied to myself by not admitting these conclusions and now verbally, outloud, looking into the windows of my soul in mirrors state, "I am worthy. I am a beautiful, strong woman filled with light. I am capable of moving forward towards happiness. Life is a gift and each moment precious with the opportunity to seek out my dreams and deep desires. I am able to complete and fulfill the responsibility I have to myself and others through selflessness, lightheartedness, humor, acknowledgment, and planning. I am Shawna Marie Brummett and I will grow more today."
Monday, May 12, 2014
Self Sabotage
"At the heart of the matter, we only create as much love, fulfillment, success and joy as we feel worthy of having."
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Rotation of Chaos. Down, Forward, Back, Up.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Tug of War
Two opposites fighting - a tug of war.
Incorporation of physical activity
I CAN push myself.
Realistically, after work I'm tired. BUT I can go further. This will help me sleep sooner, too. I noted an intense amount of excersize amongst the successful BiPolar individuals I researched years ago, not just a little. Physically, the brain will release endorphins that stimulate dopamine, dopamine I need. (My paraphrase, the terminology and actual physical process may be incorrect.)
The muscles on the right side of the rope are stronger than the left.
Shoot for more. Settling is not an option. It's not an option anymore. It was when I was numb. Now, upon my request, a week and a half ago, my psychiatrist lessened my dose of Lamotrigine from 300mg/day to 200mg/day. She added 15mg Buspirone twice a day for anxiety. The Bispirone seemed to lessen the tension in my face initially, but I did not think of or recognize the severity my depression at the time of my appointment. My negative thoughts were being warded off with coping mechanisms my therapist had been teaching and reminding me of. They help. At the time I saw my phsychiatrist I believe I was a manic, depression was not a lense over my days.
My depressive thoughts now seem to be taking over, worse than my last phase (not too long before I saw my phsychiatrist). My next appoint my with her is in about three weeks with no option of a sooner appointment (I checked). I'm going to see if I can be put on the cancelation list for an appointment that may open up, and try to get an appointment with the other phsychiatrist. At the same time, there is a free clinic I will set up an appointment with.
In the meantime, I have the ability to strengthen my pull on the left side of the rope.
Incorporation of physical activity
I CAN push myself.
Realistically, after work I'm tired. BUT I can go further. This will help me sleep sooner, too. I noted an intense amount of excersize amongst the successful BiPolar individuals I researched years ago, not just a little. Physically, the brain will release endorphins that stimulate dopamine, dopamine I need. (My paraphrase, the terminology and actual physical process may be incorrect.)
The muscles on the right side of the rope are stronger than the left.
Shoot for more. Settling is not an option. It's not an option anymore. It was when I was numb. Now, upon my request, a week and a half ago, my psychiatrist lessened my dose of Lamotrigine from 300mg/day to 200mg/day. She added 15mg Buspirone twice a day for anxiety. The Bispirone seemed to lessen the tension in my face initially, but I did not think of or recognize the severity my depression at the time of my appointment. My negative thoughts were being warded off with coping mechanisms my therapist had been teaching and reminding me of. They help. At the time I saw my phsychiatrist I believe I was a manic, depression was not a lense over my days.
My depressive thoughts now seem to be taking over, worse than my last phase (not too long before I saw my phsychiatrist). My next appoint my with her is in about three weeks with no option of a sooner appointment (I checked). I'm going to see if I can be put on the cancelation list for an appointment that may open up, and try to get an appointment with the other phsychiatrist. At the same time, there is a free clinic I will set up an appointment with.
In the meantime, I have the ability to strengthen my pull on the left side of the rope.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Friend: "How are you today?"
A bit dark but it's a cycle of negative and sensitive thoughts ruminating and fictional as truth sits just outside the storm... Riding through it and will make it unscathed.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Freak Out. Thank God I'm practicing sobriety.
I pray and cry to God, "Please, please take this away from me (my BiPolar)" Alongside this desperate prayer I hear a string of words, "gift", "strength"... The voice speaking truth that with great adversity comes great strength. Just as I must train my tired brain and muscles to excersize, I will also be able to direct my mind in its thoughts.... Though I will never be rid of ups and downs and feelings of self defeatedness for words I have spoken and actions I have taken suddenly at the spur of a trigger to which I am unaware of until after, I will become stronger in knowing that my BiPolar does not define me, I do. God give me grace to remember and strength to continually ground myself in these truths.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)