Paxil

I was able to get in to to see my phsycologist last Friday morning. Having been brought to a low I hadn't experienced since the beginning of my initial prescribing of Lametrogine about a year and a half ago, she prescribed 35mg of Paxil daily.

My girlfriend took me aside the next day and explained that she no longer saw light in my skin and hadn't for quite some time. I admitted to her suicidal thoughts for the week and a half prior on top of the intense irrational and impulsive behaviour she had noticed prior to our conversation; she did not know who I had become. I wasn't myself.

This is a question to myself... Who am I?  She took me aside a couple days ago and, exhaustingly frustrated, explained that all she wanted was for me to "want for myself". I didn't understand until the next morning. My entire life I had been seeking my identity in others only looking out my own window wondering if one day I would fly like a bird into the sky subconsciously asking, "Did that sky, did that bird exist? Was I a red bird, a black bird, a sparrow, an eagle, a vulcher, an owl, a parkete, a tucan, a robin?"

It has taken me quite some time to understand that I am my own unique bird, as is everyone, and I have wings meant to soar. I will. I have interests and, as I, in desperation, explained to my counselor last Tuesday, I want to kick the darkness that has blanketed my light and eyes in the ass; fully taking advantage of my gift: life.

My life is not an endlessness of pointless, nor is the constant avalanche of of anxious rumination and worry a place I must sit analyzing in anticipation of the next blow.  I have not loved myself but despised my very life and heart, a deadly cancer feeling for only fleeting moments its escape.

My counselor lead a research project with his peers during his undergraduate years on natural cures for depression, acquiring a significant amount of positive results amongst the folks who participated in the study. The regiment consists of the following with the observation that depression and suicide rates have steadily increased over the last 100 years as people in our society have increasingly spent more and more time indoors, worked more hours in effort to survive financially and therefore gotten irregular and less sleep, less social interaction allowing more time alone to ruminate, and less time and energy for necessary physical activity.

Regiment:
fish oil, regulated sufficient amount of sleep, sunlight, excersize, social interaction, and the practice of coping mechanisms to decrease ruminating.

I found a mediation app that focuses on identifying self-sabotage. Through the first course I found within myself truths I previously concluded during childhood thinking I am unworthy, weak, unpretty, frail, unable. I have lied to myself by not admitting these conclusions and now verbally, outloud, looking into the windows of my soul in mirrors state, "I am worthy. I am a beautiful, strong woman filled with light. I am capable of moving forward towards happiness. Life is a gift and each moment precious with the opportunity to seek out my dreams and deep desires. I am able to complete and fulfill the responsibility I have to myself and others through selflessness, lightheartedness, humor, acknowledgment, and planning. I am Shawna Marie Brummett and I will grow more today."